


moments where the words don't reach

by Tinuviel



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, POV Second Person, solomon spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-25 04:06:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17717717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tinuviel/pseuds/Tinuviel
Summary: there are many ways to experience grief.you find yourself back from the final singularity, things are not the way you expected it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i finished solomon last night and i am not coping  
> (this is largely unedited because i wrote it in like, 15 minutes while crying)  
> title is from it's quiet uptown from hamilton lol

grief can be felt in different ways; sometimes it’s subtle, the nagging feeling when you see an empty chair, an empty office, or the voice you expected to hear isn’t what you got. Your heart aches, but you carry on, shouldering your grief.

but sometimes it’s jagged. sometimes it feels like getting the wind knocked out of you, the pain comes all at once and you’re left gasping for air. Things that use to make you smile make you weep, and the empty presence in your life feels like it could swallow everything up and consume you.

It doesn’t hit you when you wake up to Mash, alive and whole, not even when you hold each other tight, these tears are nothing but happy. It doesn’t hit you when da Vinci teases you, or when you throw yourself into her arms and she pats your back. The Chaldea staff cheers and confetti comes raining down around you, you chuckle as Mash gets a piece stuck in her glasses. For now, everything is good, everyone is safe, soon Roman will….Roman...will..

Time feels like it’s slowing, and da Vinci says it, the one who didn’t return from the singularity, she says it, and the dam holding your grief starts to crack. There’s no air in your lungs but you try to speak, you only need a nap you say, you’re only a bit tired, everything is fine, no need to worry. 

You excuse yourself from the command room, and walk through the empty halls of Chaldea. Past da Vinci’s workshop, past the debris of the destruction that the demon pillars inflicted. The medical room is dark when you pass by it, Roman’s office is not. The light had been left on as if he would be back in five minutes. He would not be, and the space feels like a black hole trying to drag you in. You keep walking; each step heavier, each step dripping tears to the floor. 

You walk past your room, you walk past Mash’s, you drag your feet to the very end of the hall to the supply closet. Crying in such a place felt pathetic, but crying in a place where Mash or da Vinci, or any of your servants could find you felt even more so.

Perched on an overturned bucket, you wept. You wailed, you cursed, you begged, and none of it would bring him back. The hole left in your life by Romani Archaman could not be filled; and you did not want to accept that. For the past year he was always there, he was always there when you needed him. Guiding you, teaching you, the familiar voice linking you back to 2018. 

And he was gone. 

You cried until you had nothing left, it might have been minutes, it might have been hours. In the dark of the supply closet, there was nothing but you and your tears. The crushing weight of reality bearing down on you, the crushing weight of the future and all it would bring. 

You had wanted to live, yes.

But you were not sure you wanted to live like _this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know, i got into fgo being 100% aware of who roman actually was, but when it came down the wire even knowing that, solomon destroyed my entire life. take all these grails and get your ass back to chaldea pLEASE


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two days later im back and sadder than ever

They say it gets easier with time.

It doesn’t.

Because it’s not just you, it’s not just you with this hole in your heart.

You see it in Mash and da Vinci’s faces, in their mannerisms, even the careful way they handle you.

You’re all hurting, you’re all missing something irreplaceable.

You wonder if he knew, if Roman knew how much he was loved, that for all the teasing and jokes, he was something vital and worthy of love and affection.

You wish you could tell him directly. The last time you said thank you, the last time you spoke to him, was it clear enough? Did he understand what he meant to you?

There will always be things left unsaid.

When you first step into Roman’s office, three days have passed and the lights are still on. Nobody had been willing to turn them off, as if that was the mark of accepting that he would not be coming home.

You had been in here before, spent time in here before, it used to feel warm and safe, but now it just felt like a tomb with it’s near defeating silence broken only by your own breath and the faint ticking of a Magi ☆ Mari alarm clock.

The papers on Roman’s desk were a mess, as expected. You would bring them to da Vinci’s workshop later, later when you could deal with that conversation. 

You started tidying the office through force of habit, picking up different things and holding them with a sort of reverence that you hadn’t before, as if one of these Magi☆Mari figures, or his stained coffee mug could give you your wish. As if the inch of undrunk dark liquid at the bottom of this cup had more power than the holy grails.

Picking up a particularly fancy Magi☆Mari figure, it occurred to you that there were people who had known, people who had known Roman’s secret, people who had known and didn’t say a thing.

Rationally, you knew it was because it was his secret to tell, but neither Gilgamesh nor Merlin were ever particular sticklers to the rules.

Da Vinci knew too, knew and still had to watch him walk off like that, she would never forget that and you knew that with certainty.

When you were finished tidying you wondered if you should have done this. As if you moving things around had worn off the last of Roman’s personal touches, as if you were erasing him from his own room.

You knew Roman wouldn’t have agreed with that, but it didn’t stop the tears from coming. It didn’t stop you from slowly sinking to the floor, knees pressed hard into the cold linoleum as you scrubbed at your face, as if you could stop the flood with nothing but your fingers.

You had tried to catch the particles off of Roman as he disappeared to no avail, so the chances of you stopping your own tears was just as unlikely.

The sound of your sobbing joined with the still ticking clock, and you thought it might be the most awful thing you’ve ever heard.

Later, Mash will find you tucked under Roman’s kotatsu, asleep on the table with tear tracks still visible on your cheeks. She will join you and hold your hand under the covers.

In time da Vinci joins you too, with tea and a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. You sit together in the quiet, all aching, all broken, an image that doesn’t match the photo beside Roman’s computer. Missing the smiles, missing the laughter, and missing a particular doctor with fluffy hair.

It doesn’t get easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me @ myself: please learn better coping methods


End file.
